Silent Night - well they are mute after all

 

A Merry Christmas to all our readers and Swan aficionados around the world.  A big thank you to our fantastic contributors including Big JP from Pakefield, Lulu in Milton and Mrs Trellis of North Wales. 

In the prophetic words of the late Joe Roberts, delivered one frosty Maidstone Christmas Eve long ago, - "Sleigh Driving - not much of a job"

Surreal Swans

 

Many thanks to Salvador for sending the team images of these two swan focused artistic masterpieces. My late university flat mate Paul once had tea with Salvador in the surreal garden of his house in Spain. Mad as a badger by all accounts! Nice giraffe though.

"Never turn your back on a swan" - the late Joe Roberts

 

"Nice birds but classically dangerous"?

The Swan Tap a Celebration of British Culture

The Swan Tap - Kidderminster - noted for its 'cask conditioned ales and selected grills'

Thanks once again to Lulu from Milton for sending the above image of this slightly 'off-piste' public house sign. Interesting facts associated with the Swan Tap:

• Christine Keeler never worked here as a barmaid in the 1960s and 1970s 
• Does a proper 24/7 'Full English' featuring the patriotic 'British Sausage' - on a plate!
• Function room with integral 'Cross of St George bunting', available for wakes and other family celebrations.
• 'old the bells Fred! is written on the wall below the urinal cistern in the Gentlemen's Cloakroom.
• Casual racism, darts, misogyny and cribbage friendly.
• "Wonderful facilities for the disabled" - Joe Roberts.
• Its only - 'banter in a bun''  - chlorinated bar snacks are freely available during 'happy hour' when you purchase a British Pint. 
• All Premier League matches are shown on the largest plasma screen in Kidderminster.
• "It is medically impossible to catch Covid 19 on licensed premises whilst consuming alcohol ". - Boris the resident lounge bar Physician.
• No swans are allowed on the premises under any circumstances (unless accompanied by Mr Cummings).
• 'British Curry Night' every Thursday.

A worrying local mutation

Worried on lookers watched, as on Oulton Broad today, a mutant swan acquired cyborg outboard propulsion.

"The future safety of 'Brown Boat' patrons is uncertain if swans mutate to become  'Serene but devastatingly fast"! - said passerby  JP of Pakefield.

The Mute Territorial Army

Our womenfolk are no longer safe after Swans go all territorial at this well known East Anglian retreat for the older person who may or may not be socially distanced.

Who would have thought that a nice sedate afternoon walk could change so suddenly?

Who could have anticipated a 'Swan related incident' at a Bird Reserve?

What has the countryside come to?

It is never like this on 'Country File' !

" The smaller ones wearing 'grey camouflage' are the worst you cannot see them as easily as the white ones Irene"

"You haven't been baking this morning have you ? If they detect a whiff of bread we are both in a whole world of pain Anita"

In Broad Daylight

Thanks to the ever vigilant JP of Kessingland for sending the team this photo of  a 'brazen' daylight assembly of swans on Oulton Broad. What is their collective intent?

Swan Films,Grayson Perry and Alan Measles

Grayson Perry: Rites of Passage

" Who would have thought that Swans would pop up in this creative format"?

See more follow link:
https://www.channel4.com/programmes/grayson-perry-rites-of-passage/on-demand/64824-001 

Beware "a sudden blow" lest it break your arm or worse!

A sudden blow: the great wings beating still

Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed

By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,

He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

William Butler Yeats

" I don't know why but I keep thinking 'Bernie Clifton'

" Yet again, Lulu from Milton surprised the team with this artistic endeavour of classical proportions"!

History Shapes the Present and Informs the Future

The Swan in Fashion

" The team here at 'Swan Central' would like to thank the 'Cat' for sending us this swan related fabric photograph. We are reliably informed that on the back of this dress one of the motifs actually shows a swan breaking a man's arm. The image is so shocking that whilst being worn, the above 'innocent child' has been asked to keep her back turned from any vulnerable persons that have pre-existing medical conditions."

"We are truly humbled by the bravery exhibited by those of all ages that choose to place their own life in danger in order to keep the general 'swan naive' public informed of potential hazards to life and limb"!

Bin Day Abduction

The buggers in Oulton Broad have gone feral and started raiding the bins in broad daylight. Have they no shame?

The Swan Disease

"Trump presents evidence before the World Health Organisation that laboratory based 'cross species transmission' first occured  in china".

On a more local theme may we send our thanks to 'JP' from Pakefield for drawing our attention to this informative 'swan safety' video.

https://youtu.be/0iowXqwPqI0?t=699 

Swan symbolism in Fauvism

'Fallen Swan with the floppy boobies' - Anon

'Nude' by George Rouault

We are very excited here at Swan Headquarters and would like to express our thanks to Lulu of Milton for sending us the image of the spectacular 'fauvre' painting 'Fallen Swan with the floppy boobies'. 

We have reason to believe this painting by an anonymous artist may be an undiscovered masterpiece by the painter George Rouault.  Note the similarities in use of colour, brush strokes and the shear 'bravura' of the work. The team here at Swan HQ were considering asking Bendor Grosvenor to undertake a provenance search but in the end we thought it best to let the painting speak for itself. 

Quack!

We can only wonder as to what 'Old Joe' would have made of it? Perhaps.....................................

"I don't know much about art but I know swans don't have Bristols" 

Brief Encounter

"Thanks to Lulu from Milton for sending us this frightening but short film sequence. Do not watch if you are of a nervous disposition or suffer from a chronic heart condition. You have been warned".

Government Health Warning - Swans can seriously damage your health.

"As of 18:00 hours GMT, the population of the United Kingdom is advised that no old, vulnerable or crumb carrying person should go within 2 metres of a mute swan. All waterways will be locked down in England and loched down in Scotland for at least 12 weeks" said Doris Swanson (Government spokesperson)

Many thanks to Mrs Trellis of North Wales for sending us this scary photograph taken in the Lake District last summer.

Outrage on Swan Observance Day

"Swan hijacks two police officers and a police car in daring daylight caper"

Thanks  to 'Big Willie' from Chalkwell for sending us this chilling photograph from the Basildon, Canvey and Southend Echo. Have swans no shame? This mute bastard didn't even bother to wear a mask!

Happy Birthday Joe wherever you are!

World Swan Observance Day

'The mean streets of Oulton Broad'

Many thanks to JP of Pakefield for risking life and arm to take this 'horrific' image of a swan that has gone completely 'off lake' after doin' a line of bread outside the 'Brown Boat Suite'. 

In 2020, 19 years after his untimely death in April 2001 and to celebrate the birthday of the late Joe Roberts, his friends and family  decided that henceforth and every year the 3rd of March will be known as 'WORLD SWAN OBSERVANCE DAY'.

People who knew Joe well, including those ' up the bowls' and the collective work force of Ladbrokes and Corals are encouraged to take a few quiet moments on 'March the Third' to think of Joe whilst observing a swan.

Wherever Joe is currently resident, we are sure that he is pleased that the March calendar already contains another active 'Swan'  themed observance day.

March 28, 2020 marks the 13th annual International SWAN Day a celebration of women's creativity and gender parity activism. SWAN - Support Women Artists Now.
https://stateraarts.org/blog/2019/12/12/swan-day-2020-is-march-28th

Joe, throughout his life, did much to promote women's creativity and gender parity. He also championed 'Superwhip' and was known to favour cheese and piccalilli sandwiches. He remained ever vigilant and wary of 'swans' until the day he died when by contemporary account "he wasn't pushed".

FSE

Get on your Lake!

Many thanks to 'JP' from Pakefield who sent us this training opportunity for prospective applicants seeking appropriate skills to join a 'top flight' agency's Talent Pool.

"Not much of a job - 'Honking'" Joe Roberts (2010)

All applicants seeking professional employment as a swan will be subject to 'Pre-employment preening'.

Who would win in a fight between a swan and a cobra?

Many thanks to 'Big Willie' from Chalkwell Essex who sent us this unusual image of a swan turning its back on a 'Cobra'. What a bird! - 'Ard or what?

Old Joe was very fond of a 'throbbin' Cobra'.  Not sure if this one is actively throbbin', probably best left to everyone's imagination.

Welcome to Swanage

In the past, both Joe and Edna acknowledged that their best holiday ever was at Swanage in the County of Dorset. This is surprising  for three reasons; the first being the town's overt connection with swans a bird Joe at best viewed with suspicion, the second being that Joe and Edna did not enjoy each others company and the third being neither enjoyed holidays or 'foreign parts'.

"Wonderful vista and facilities for wheelchairs" - Joe Roberts

We like to think that Old Joe had a 'roll up' and enjoyed 'the facilities' at the Swanage Bowls Club during his holiday in Swanage!

Check out the following link:
https://www.swanagebowlingclub.org.uk/sbc-icon1/ 

Old Joe would have particularly enjoyed the recent news item 'Sugar and Vice' 

The 'sorft' side of swans

Victor Nizovtsev 1965 - Russian Fantasy painter

"So they are good with children and old people"!

Swanaphernalia

Thanks for this astounding tapestry sent in by Lulu from Didcot. It raises so many unanswered questions - is the swan threatening the man, has the man got a 'boner' and if so why is the 'legless' lady, front left, watching this 'reet seedy spectacle'? 

The level of detail in this work of undeniable beauty left the blog team quite breathless when Lulu's post popped into our 'inbox'.

Many thanks for this tasty morsel sent in by big John 'Mac' from Pakefield. Yum-yum -'swan and cockles' our vinegar overfloweth!

Lulu from Didcot where do you find these treasures? - The Swan Section of 'Doily World Didcot'?

Shanghai Swan 

For more 'serious swanage' follow the link below:

Shanghai Swan Lake

Swans can mess with your head

The Kings Head at Yoxford - Nice pint and good food

 Joe Roberts travelled between Maidstone and Lowestoft bi-annually for approximately 25 years. On every journey he would take a break at the 'Kings Head' at Yoxford. When asked he would always say " We stopped at a pub, cant remember its 'bleedin' name. I had a light ale and your 'muvver' had a nice cup of tea". Why couldn't he remember its name, the sign is big enough?

Do swans mess with your senses and memory or had he a very low tolerance to light ale?  We shall never know for sure!

'Crabbin' at Walberswick', - ink on cartidge paper - George Roberts - circa 1985

Joe Roberts can be seen second from the right looking both miserable and concerned as to the location of the nearest swan.

Ever dance with a swan in the pale moonlight?

Many thanks for this astounding piece of swan themed 'art work' brought to our attention by Lulu from Didcot. This is just the quality of blog reader feedback and 'swan interaction' hoped for!

 On close inspection, the woman featured does not appear to have arms. Folklore would have us believe that an angry swan is able to break a man's arm. Is this swan angry, has this swan broken both the woman's arms from her torso and wrapped the remnants in a feather duvet? Naughty, naughty!

Swan Lake

"An infinity mirror presented in a tasteful swan motif, the installation apparently floating on Lake Edna" 

But is it art?

No it's a SWAN!

But you dont know what they are thinking!

'A swan isn't just for Christmas'  - pencil on cartridge paper

Crochet Monsieur Cygne

The amazing crochet work of Rachel Roberts!

All creatures great and swan

This blog is dedicated to the memory of Joe Roberts and all things swan. Whether swans are dangerous or otherwise, there can be absolutely no doubt that swans are very, very 'nice' birds indeed!

The late Joe Roberts spent much of his life alternating between 'the selection of cross win doubles', 'going up the bowls', 'holding the bells' and 'extolling the virtues of the swan'.  In 'Old Maidstone', it was often said, that if anyone knew how to celebrate 'the swan' it was Joe Roberts. So lets follow 'Old Joe' and post some 'swan themed material' in his memory.

Please feel encouraged to send any 'swan based' wisdom, comments and links you would like added to this blog.